MisMapped!
by Angevin1204
Summary: What happens when Helena's instructions are misinterpreted by the idiots surrounding her? Starring Avery, Nikolas and others! There's a lot of cursing in this story, so be forewarned.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note** : I don't know how long this is going to be-it's the result of a dare on Twitter. I've got a chapter two in my head, but we'll see how the inspiration goes. There is A LOT of cursing in this story. So if that's not your thing, don't read it. Enjoy!

* * *

 **CHAPTER 1**

She lay there peacefully, a tiny angel with her brown hair cascaded in a halo around her pillow. The vision caused the prince sitting beside the bed to smile involuntarily. His expression quickly turned to one of concern and disgust when he noted the thin veneer of sweat above the girl's forehead. Without turning his head, he raised his right hand and snapped his fingers, summoning a large, handsome, well-armed yet exceedingly dumb man behind him.

-"Do you see this?" he questioned, pointing to the offensive sweat on her forehead. "Why would you make this room too hot? Do you know what she'll do if she wakes in a room that has not been perfectly calibrated to account for her every comfort?"

-"Your highness...she's only three…"

-"AND FREE QUAWTUHS," a tiny voice boomed from the bed. "For fuck's sake, can you guys keep it down? I'm twying to sweep."

The prince and bodyguard froze in stunned silence. "Grandmother?" questioned the prince.

-"Yes, Nikowas. Who else?" The toddler stretched her little arms above her head and let out a yawn. As she sat up, she looked down at her tiny hands clutching a stuffed animal that appeared to be a lamb. Confused, she lifted up the sheets to scan her little body. Starting at her glittery blue toenails, her gaze moved upwards to note the cotton nightgown covered in Olaf the Snowman. Her gaze shifted to her nephew as she whispered, "miwwuh."

-"I'm sorry, Grandmother," mumbled the prince. "I didn't catch that."

-"I said 'miwwuh,'" her face contorted as she repeated, "mi...wuh." She repeated the phrase, her frustration mounting, "miwwuh...MEEEE-WUH. DAMMIT. Get me a fucking wooking gwass."

The prince's eyes widened as he raised his hand and a different large goon quickly filled it with a mirror. He gingerly passed it to the girl on the bed.

The toddler extended her arm to take the mirror, but struggled to grasp it in her small hand. Rolling her eyes in disgust, she wrapped both her fists around the base and lifted it up to her face. She stared at what she saw: long brown hair in a daisy clip, big brown eyes, a button nose and a faded temporary Elmo tattoo on her collarbone. She put the mirror down, and the room was silent.

She stared at the prince. "Nikowas," she said quietly. "Why is the gweatest mind on the pwanet in the body of a free year owd?"

Her question was so earnest and her little voice was so cute, that the prince couldn't help himself-he smiled. She was just too adorable.

-"STOP GWINNING AT ME YOU SHIT FUH BWAINS!" Her tiny voice boomed, and the prince immediately recoiled. "WHY AM I TWAPPED IN THE BODY OF AVEWY COWINTHOS?"

The prince looked at her uncomprehendingly. "I...I did what you asked. You told me to map your memories into the brain of Sonny's daughter. That's what I did."

The toddler's eyes went wide. Her cheeks flushed and her face contorted into a grimace. The men watched as she inhaled and seemed to hold it, then exhaled it as a scream that would wake the dead came from her lips. She blubbered, "You fuh...fuh...fuh..fucking IMBECEW." Nikolas strained to hear what she was saying as she sobbed uncontrollably, "I meant...I meant...I meant...KWISTINA." She emphasized her point by hurling the mirror, but lacking the upper body strength to properly propel the object through the air, Avery's efforts saw the mirror land at her feet. The added frustration of not being able to adequately emphasize her displeasure led to a new round of wails as she threw herself on the bed.

The prince, stunned, whispered to himself, "Ooohhh...I forgot about Kristina."

The next 30 seconds seemed like hours to all the men in the room, as the inconsolable child continued to wail with anger and regret. Unable to withstand the auditory onslaught, one of the goons cleared his throat, "excuse me...your highness?"

-"Not now," snapped Nikolas, helplessly. "My hands are a bit full right now." The prince stared at the child unsure how to offer any comfort. The wailing continued.

Unable to take the screams anymore, the goon approached the bed. He dropped to his knees and cooed over the toddler. "I know, Avery. I know. Take some deep breaths."

-"I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I don't wanna take-a...take-a...take-a...take-a...bweaf."

Undeterred, the big man started to stroke her back. "I know. It's terrible. But you know what? What if we go down to the kitchen and get something to eat. We have some ice cream down there. What if we got some ice cream and talked about it?"

The child's breathing began to fall into a more natural rhythm. "I want chocowate," she petulantly demanded.

-"We have chocolate. We even have sprinkles. We can put some sprinkles on it."

HelAvery wiped her face. "I don't wanna cone, though. I want awot, and I want it in a cup." The goon pulled out a tissue and used it to wipe her snot-covered nose. "Blow," he whispered.

Nikolas sat in silence watching the scene unfold before him, as his three-year old grandmother blew her nose into a tissue held by a 6'4", 225-lb assassin. He needed to get control of the situation. "That's a great idea. Why don't we go downstairs and get some ice cream."

HelAvery ignored him. She turned to the goon. "I don't know you. What's yuhou name?"

The goon smiled. "Rrrrrrrrrogelio," he said, trilling the 'r.'

-"Fuck that," HelAvery said dismissively. "Yowuh new name is 'Jimmy'"

-"Yes, ma'am," he smiled.

Seeing that the room was calm now, Nikolas stood. "What's say we go downstairs and get that ice cream?"

-"No," HelAvery shook her head. "NOT YOU. Ice cweam is fuh me and Jimmy, not fuh fucking idiots. You need to sit in a time out and fink about what you've done, Nikowas." As she descended from the bed, she took Jimmy's big hand in her tiny one. Walking out the door, she muttered, "I should have smovvuhed you in yuh cwib when you wuh a baby."

* * *

Nikolas, left alone, sat in the room brooding to himself. A random goon entered the room and tentatively approached the scowling prince. "Excuse me, your highness. But the medical staff sent me to alert you to the fact that your grandmother is awake."

The prince stared at the henchman. "Yes, we're all aware of that. She already let me have it."

The henchman shook his head. "No sir, not Ms. Corinthos. Your grandmother, Helena. She's awake. Sir, it's a miracle!"

Nikolas put his head in his hands, dreading what his life had become.


	2. Chapter 2

Helena sat up in bed and looked at the assorted group surrounding her, happy she had insisted on having her hair coiffed and makeup applied before receiving any visitors. There were three particularly handsome henchmen who she mentally named as numbers 1-3 in the order in which she'd bed them. There was the handsome doctor who she absolutely planned to have as soon as he gave her medical clearance. Nikolas was there, as was a small child with a dirty face, holding the hand of Helena's first bedmate, the snack HelAvery knew as 'Jimmy.'

-"Grandmother."

-"Nikolas," she cooed, extending her hands. Helena clasped them, delighted to once again be upright, surrounded by her grandson and her minions. As she took it all in, Helena became concerned with whom she didn't see. "Nikolas, where is your cousin, Kristina?" Her gaze turned to the Doctor, "I hope for your sake, she's resting comfortably and not a drooling husk unusable to any of us."

-"I don't know anything about Kristina," the doctor replied while looking at his feet.

Helena's eyes narrowed coldly. "What does that mean. Exactly? Nikolas, perhaps you can share with your grandmother why my instructions weren't followed?"

-"Yes, Nikowas," a small voice piped from the floor. "Share wif da gwoup."

-"Who is this urchin?" the grand dame asked to a silent room.

The toddler patted the leg of her new friend. "Jimmy-uppy," she demanded, hands raised. Jimmy lifted the wee thing and planted her on his hip. "Nikowas-do you want to tell huh or do I hafta?"

-"Tell. Me. What?" Helena's eyes bore into Nikolas. "What do you need to share with your loving grandmother, Nikolas?"

Nikolas stopped and started about three times before HelAvery cut in. "Oh for fuck's sakes. Dere's good news and bad news. The good news is that your memwies were successfuwwy mapped."

Helena sat, eyes-wide, silenced by a combination of the impudence, crass language and quite frankly, _adorableness_. She finally cut through the quiet with, "And the bad news."

-"Me. I'm Hewena. He mapped the memwies to ME."

Helena sat immobile before she finally smiled. "How delightful!"

Nikolas felt a momentary feeling of relief. "Really?"

"No, you IDIOT," the Helenas shrieked at him.

The elder Helena trembled with rage, "Why...WHY would you think I would tell you to take the greatest mind on our planet and put it into someone who wears diapers."

HelAvery took offense. "Hey! I don't shit myself no more. I'm potty twained."

-"And this...LANGUAGE. Why is she talking like a longshoreman, Nikolas? I recognize she is lowborn, but she's using MY MEMORIES. Who is she?"

Nikolas winced. "She's Avery. Avery Jerome-"

-"She's a JEROME? You put my memories into the descendants of a Neanderthal?"

-"Avery Jerome...Corinthos" Nikolas finished.

Helena exploded in rage, "you mapped my brain to the descendant of two strains of human that would have been extinct millennia ago had they not learned to breed with more capable women? What is wrong with you? Why...why?" She shook her head.

-"Because when you said, 'da Cowinthos bwat,' he thought you meant Avewy. Not Kwistina," HelAvery shook her head. "What did you fink the point of it was, Nikowas? What, I'm some amazing weapon that's supposed to A-B-C these muthafuckas to deaf? Pawawyze them wif my deadwy version of 'twinkle twinkle wittle star'?"

-"I thought it was a weird request, but she's CLEARLY a brat," Nikolas stammered in his defense.

The elder Helena sat motionless. She turned her head to the man next to Jimmy and asked in a quiet voice. "Please give the child your gun."

HelAvery smiled knowingly as the ugliest of the three henchmen handed her his gun without hesitation. She took it in her tiny fists and pointed it at him. Or tried to. "Dammit. It's too fucking heavy," she whined.

Helena rolled her eyes. "Give it to me...gently." Jimmy felt a tiny foot kick his ribs and he walked HelAvery over to her true mother. He laid her carefully in Helena's lap.

-"This is how we do it dear," and she quickly shot the owner of the gun. She then turned to his silent comrades. "In fairness, that bullet truly belonged to Nikolas or the doctor. But I need them to figure out how to fix this...this…"

-"Cwusterfuck"

-"Yes. That. Your coworker has paid for their failure."

* * *

Nikolas paced around the room. "But why is she cursing? What did we do wrong?"

Andre sighed. The doctor thought putting the memories into a small child was a huge mistake, but the four guns literally pointed at him during the procedure caused him to silence his objections pretty quickly. He had told himself that the child would be better off without two of the city's biggest sociopaths as parents, but after meeting Helena he wasn't so sure.

-"Well? What did you do? I'm the prince! I demand an answer!"

-"Prince of what, exactly? I don't know if you noticed, but we're in western New York. Port Charles makes Milwaukee look like Paris. And last time I checked we kicked all the princes out of this country more than 200 years ago. So maybe change your tone, your highness. Because where I'm sitting, we're in the same boat. And I'm more than happy to throw your entitled ass overboard."

-"You could try. But my grandmother loves me. Well, she needs me. She needs access to my fortune."

-"And she needs ME. I'm the only one who knows this technology and can get her what she craves."

Nikolas sat with his head in his hands. "But even if we could fix it-we could take another copy of Helena's memories and map them into Kristina as ordered-it's not working. Look at that child! That's not my grandmother! She may be a ruthless cold-blooded killer but she doesn't swear. The process is clearly broken!"

-"But that won't happen with Kristina. So far it's working as designed." Nikolas looked at him puzzled. Andre rolled his eyes. "OK, Nikolas. Think about the brain as a giant database-a giant grid with column titles like 'feelings' 'memories' 'language' 'hormones' etc. Are you with me so far? Good. And the rows are all things that fall under this category. So under 'emotion' there might be a row on how she felt when her sons were born. Or under 'memory' it may be a row on how she clocked me over the head and dragged me to an underground lab and made me work for her. Still following me?"

Nikolas nodded, "it's like just taking rows and rows of data and classifying it."

-"EXACTLY. Now when we map data what we're doing is we're linking up all those columns in Helena brain to all those columns in Avery's brain-so we take everything in the 'feeling' column in Helena's brain and put it in Avery's brain, writing over the stuff that's already there."

-"I'm totally following-but I don't get where the traits Helena doesn't have come in?"

Andre nodded enthusiastically, nerding out on his own science. "OK, so the whole theory here is that Avery and Helena have the same columns...but they don't. An adult human brain is wwwaaaaay different than a child's brain. Column titles like 'lust' or 'violence'-Avery doesn't have them developed yet because she hasn't hit puberty. But Helena's got them, and the data has to go somewhere so…"

-"So it goes where?" Nikolas asked.

-"It goes to the parts of the brain that have the most room. In toddlers, that tends to be things like 'language.' So the problem isn't that the data mapping exercise doesn't work, the problem is that the brains we're starting with don't have the same areas. So the memories have to go somewhere, they're just filling in where there's the most room. And that causes those columns to almost short-circuit."

-"OK. So that explains the cursing. But how do we fix this?"

Andre shrugged. "Well, if we get the original person-Kristina-we can just map the memories. I have another copy."

Nikolas recoiled in horror-"you have more than one?"

-"Yes. Your grandmother made me make three."

Nikolas let it sink in for a minute. "OK. But what do we do with Avery? She's been missing for over 24 hours. She's on the news. What do we do with her?"

-"I'm not killing a kid," Andre shook his head vehemently.

-"Me neither! What kind of man do you think I am?" Nikolas added, "and that's rhetorical."

Andre thought a moment. "I guess we could just erase these memories. The old ones may come back. They may not, but she's not even four yet. She'll relearn everything. Toddlers are resilient that way."

Nikolas nodded. "It's decided then. I'll look into securing Kristina. We'll meet with grandmother and share this plan. Agreed?"

-"Agreed"

As the two left the room, a small voice piped up from in the cabinet where she'd been hiding. "Fuck that! Not agweed."


End file.
